stories

I lost my mom on Dec 13, 2018 and it still stings. She suffered from depression through much of my youth. I used to try to cheer her up by playing sad instrumental songs on a classical guitar. I didn’t think of the songs as sad when I was young but now when I hear them I’m amazed at how depressing they sound. She was a tough audience. I feel like in some ways the audience has always been about me trying make my mom happy. It’s probably made me a better entertainer in some respects and less sincere in other ways. I’m still trying to figure it all out and be as honest as possible in my writing and live shows. I still wish I could’ve said a few more things to my ma before she died. I always seem to have regrets. Creating art in tiny ways every single day has helped me to work through my issues and keep me semi-balanced on this crazy tightrope we call life. It’s all just a balancing act. I do not remember a time before anxiety, and I have always been quite a melancholy person. For a long time I lived my life just assuming I would completely lose my mind at some point and walk off into the woods naked after a bender, never to be seen again. Especially with touring, I can go through periods of feeling like I am falling out of the sky and things are simply happening to me. Only recently have I begun to think about steps I can take to make sure I don’t get there. Yoga, intense exercise and lots of time to myself to write and read and rest my mind help, as does the Lexapro I started taking about a year ago. At this point in my life I realize I have to view myself as a sensitive being and make sure I take care of that and don’t feel embarrassed not to “party” or be “outgoing”. I haven’t figured it all out yet and I will never be “cured” but I am on the path to management and that feels good to me. Originally published in the Fall 2019 "Wellness" issue of No Depression. Subscribe today