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stories
tim easton
No Shame In Asking For Help
Some say creative types are more prone to depression and addiction issues than most of the population. Others like to express the notion that pain and suffering is what really pushes us to create. I say we are born to create and it’s only the world which brings the suffering and confusion. We are born artists, given crayons and markers and set free on unlimited canvases, which often get displayed in our first exhibitions on the refrigerators of our homes. Then one day we turn in a piece and it doesn’t get the same encouragement. Eventually, some of us are practically forced to fit in, to join the group, to shed our individuality. Later in life we might look for things which help to ease the pain. Food, booze, drugs, television, sex…there is no shame in the quest, but it is an unfortunate fact that once we cross the line into addiction it becomes progressive, and it never gets better. It only gets worse. Scientists have been trying to sort out why some of us are prone to dark side, but there never seems to be a satisfactory answer or any relief until we ask for help for the things which we do not understand.
It only took one visit to a psychologist to help nudge me in a more palatable direction. At the end of our session, the doctor asked me point blank: “Do you want to be a lonely old drunk man whose stories don’t mean anything to anybody?”
Good stuff, and much needed at the time. I found out soon enough that alcohol and drugs weren’t really my problem. Unfortunately, the problem was me. Alcohol and drugs were what I used to escape. I was trapped into thinking that I was lesser than or better than or underneath you or above you. I was stuck in judgment or always comparing rather than just doing. Alcohol and drugs took all the fear away and made me blend in better, fit in more, which is actually the wrong direction for any so called artist.
It’s not like I needed drugs or alcohol to create. I had been making cassette “albums” long before I smoked my first joint. I’ll admit that when my 7th grade music teacher said that “Let It Be” was no longer to be performed by my Church group because “Mother Mary” was about marijuana rather than the Mother of Jesus, I immediately thought to myself “what is this marijuana thing The Beatles were talking about and where can I get some?” Perhaps the addict is an addict before he or she begins to use and when we suddenly get something that makes us feel good we tend to overdo it rather than practice moderation. I mean, if one glass of red wine is good for you, than surely the whole bottle is better!
While drugs and alcohol slowed me down and made me feel like I fit in better, these substances-or the overuse of them, eventually stripped away the finer parts of my individuality. They robbed me of ambition and compassion and empathy. They stopped me from caring about anything but myself. It is debatable that an artist may do well with a pinch of gentle narcissism to set them off on their individual path, but mixed with addiction or untreated addiction there comes a time when one becomes unteachable and therefore your art stops progressing and you become stunted and redundant. There might be more self-awareness, but eventually that is combined with an abundance of self-pity, because you realize you are not reaching your true potential.
The cold turkey approach can unmask a fierce strain of depression and suddenly you become the self-centered fool. I am constantly apologizing to former colleagues for my behavior during a certain period of my life. I was a bit of a reckless mess. It seems I am making amends often as I travel this world, and I am grateful for the opportunity to do so, because how long do you think you can travel the world as an artist when you wreak so much emotional havoc in the lives of those who are trying to support you?
Reaching out for help with anxiety and depression was the smartest thing I ever did. My marriage had collapsed, and rather than look at my own role in why, I was pointing fingers at others. That was a substantial mistake and today I am able to better understand the choices I made which caused all the problems in my own life. I’m still working on it, and I try to remain teachable because I didn’t get to the place of darkness overnight, so it stands to reason that I should expect that the journey of recovery is just as long. Not that reason has ever been my strong suit, but every day is a new day to walk a healthier path.
Some addicts go to meetings, and there is thankfully such a large variety of self-help groups out there for nearly every persuasion of turmoil. Some choose to not go the 12-step route. I’m not knocking either way. I have zero concern for how much alcohol or drugs somebody takes, or if they relapsed after a long bout of sobriety, or if one goes to meetings or not. I’m more concerned with your happiness and peace of mind, and am always willing to discuss what I did, which is to reach out for help.
Today, when I feel a bit of what Winston Churchill used to call his “Black Dog” coming on, i.e. depression, I try to remember that it will pass and I call a friend who might not be doing so well and ask them how they are doing. When you do that simple act and really mean it, you will stop thinking about yourself so much. Also, I also like to get off my phone/internet and out into nature. This, and sharing a meal or a conversation with somebody where you don’t break human contact to look at your phone. It is a fun experiment, and it may alter your day in ways you didn’t think it could. It is widely known that technology has forced us to deal with more information that we have been dealing with for the last few thousand years, and that can be overwhelming for sure. I will be the first to admit that I am most definitely addicted to my phone and Social Media, but I do take serious breaks from it as well, because how else could I get any real work done. If I follow my own words I know that this addiction will also get worse, never better, so stay tuned for the grand experiment in attempted moderation.
In conclusion, I would like to reemphasize that there is no shame in asking for assistance in the realm of mental health, or talking with a trusted friend or a professional about addiction or depression or what happened to us along the way that profoundly shaped our lives in negative and positive ways. Long story short, you are not alone.
Here, I must remind my musical Brothers and Sisters about Musicares, which is a great organization that helps you find the help you need, whether it be a treatment center or a psychologist. Talk to a professional, we were not born to suffer. Perhaps a strong connection was made with others while being creative in bouts of turmoil, because we have all been there and we all love a sad song, but there is absolutely zero shame in getting the help you need in order that you continue on your creative path, or simply, your path.
T. Easton Yaroslavl, Russia October 4th, 2019
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